5 years ago

I wrote this last week and saved it.  I am posting it before Ethan's birthday and the "anniversary" of my cancer diagnosis.  Why? Because at the end of this week my little boy will be graduating pre-school, going on his field trip for school, having his 5th birthday party and celebrating.  I want to be there for him fully (physically and emotionally); so I am thinking about all of this ahead of time. 

Keep my in your prayers if you will.  I realized yesterday at church (when the message was on "Moments") that 5 years ago everything happened on a Friday, Saturday, Sunday combo....it is the same this year.  Exact same dates.  It might be too easy to fall into remembering that.....so your prayers are appreciated!  Thank you for all of your support!

Dear Ethan,

After you were born I was encouraged by many to write you a letter describing the various events that took place a few days before you were born as well as several months after you were born. 

I am now just getting around to writing you that letter.  Not because it wasn't important to me.  But just the opposite.  It is extremely important to me.  So important that I haven't been able to find the words to write this letter until now. 

Every attempt to write this letter before now has left me sitting at the keyboard sobbing.  Getting choked up.  In fact, just typing those words has once again left a nice little lump in my throat. 

You see, even though it has been five years it is still as fresh as if it had happened yesterday.  The sounds, the feelings, where I was standing, sitting and pacing back and forth.  I can still picture your dad standing by the big window of our tiny house calling our close friends and family to tell them that you were arriving a whopping 5 weeks earlier than we had anticipated. 

We were overjoyed to know that we were going to meet you sooner but we were scared to death of why.

My sweet, generous, curious little boy: Your mama was diagnosed with Stage 3 breast cancer just a few weeks before your due date.  I was, before this diagnosis, the "epitomy" of health.  I had never broken a bone, never been hospitalized & had only had small bouts of illnesses that I easily recovered from.  One night laying in bed I felt something abnormal in my breast and mentioned it to your dad.  I then called your grandma who assured me that things change with pregnancy but that I definitely should mention it to the doctor the next time I went in.

The doctor didn't like how the lump felt and sent me for a breast ultrasound.  That's when things started getting scary.  At not quite 34 years old I was sent for my first mammogram.  You'll understand what this is when you get older but it's a test to check for cancer or other abnormalities.  Usually doctors recommend that you start getting them when you turn 40.  So I was pretty nervous that they wanted me to get one when I was 33 and 8 months pregnant with you!

At my next pre-natal visit to check on you, the doctor discussed the results with me and told me that the lump was "suspicious" and that we needed to immediately make an appointment with a surgeon.

Your dad and I were completely shocked at this point.  We weren't prepared for the word "suspicious".  We really thought that everything was going to be fine.

So, we apprehensively called the surgeon and made an appointment.  After an exam on the morning of May 18, 2007 the surgeon decided to do a core biopsy of the lump right at his office.  It was a Friday morning and he wanted to get the biopsy over to the hospital to be looked at right away. I remember him getting on the phone with the hospital and yelling at them that they needed to get this biopsy looked at asap because he had a young, pregnant lady waiting for her results!  After the biopsy your dad and I left the doctor's office in a daze.  We stopped and fed our fear with Culver's (can you tell I remember every single detail?).

We walked into the house and just a few minutes later got a call from the surgeon.  He asked us why we left the office and we told him that the nurse told us to because she didn't think we would hear anything until after the weekend.  He then said that he hated to tell us what he had to tell us over the phone.

My heart dropped.  His words became mush in my ears. My eyes are stinging right now remembering. Time slowed yet it didn't.  It was as if it was happening to someone else.

And then that word............................ Cancer. 

I think I might have blacked out for a brief period (not really, but that's what it felt like).  And then my OB/GYN was getting on the phone.  I snapped back into reality.

Now, they weren't just talking about me but they were talking about you.  My baby.

They wanted to induce labor so that they could figure out the next steps for my treatment and surgery.

So many questions were circling through my head but I couldn't find the words.  Your daddy took the reins on that one.  Will the baby be ok? Is it too early? What will the risks be?

We were assured that you would be fine.  We were told to go to the hospital that evening to start the induction process.  To take our time....but not really.  They wanted us there that night and it was already 4pm or so.

We hung up.  And I sobbed. Those heart-wrenching, breath caught in your throat sobs.  Your dad wrapped me in his arms but he had his own emotions he was dealing with as well.

Your Grandpa and Grandma, Grammy and Papa all rushed to be with us.  They stayed for awhile but went home because we knew you weren't ready to come just yet.  They came back the next day as did so many of our friends and family to support us.  God lifted us up through that crazy time and He assured us that you would be ok!

You made your appearance into this world at 2:22am on Sunday, May 20th.  It was a long labor but when it was time to push you made it pretty easy on your mama :-).  Three pushes and you were out! We all held our breath as we waited to hear your cry and to make sure you were ok.  And you were.  Even at 5 weeks early you were 6lbs. 0oz. and 19 inches long.  You were perfect.

Mommy and Daddy got to love on you and settle in with you before the doctors started working on me.  I had surgery to remove the cancer on June 1st, 2007.  During the surgery the doctors checked to see if the cancer spread into the lymph nodes or anywhere else.  They described it as a miracle that it had not.  Did you hear that, Ethan? It was a miracle! I want you to remember that.  You are mama's miracle. 

And I also want you to realize that you saved my life.  Yep.  That's how I see it.

The cancer was already there but when I became pregnant the hormones from the pregnancy made the lump grow and I was able to detect it and feel it on my own.  If I hadn't become pregnant, I could still be walking around today not knowing that the cancer was growing inside of me.

You helped me find it and then I was able to get treated in time. 

I won't lie or "sugar coat" things for you.  If the cancer had spread I might not be here writing this to you today.  It might have been too late to do anything. 

But a MIRACLE occurred. 

It wasn't easy having to go through chemotherapy or radiation treatments, but I would gladly go through all of that again if it meant that I could have decades more as your mama.  I have now been "cancer free" for 5 years.  It's a significant milestone.  Is it a guarantee that I will never have to battle that war again? No.  It could come back any time.  But cancer is MOST likely to reoccur within the first five years. 

You and your sister mean more to me than anything else in this world (besides your dad)!  I love you both with all of my heart.  I will never take being your mama for granted.  It's not always easy, but I wouldn't change it for the world. 

So, why this letter? Because I want you to know your history and how you came into the world.  Because it's your story too, not just mine.  I also want you to know that you and your sister are mommy's miracles.  Don't ever let anyone tell you that miracles don't happen anymore.  They do.  And now with this letter you have proof.

Ethan James Shepard, Happy 5th Birthday! You are loved!!!!

Missing the Moments

I have been convicted of something huge as of late.  It seems to be finding me everywhere. 

Blog posts. Articles. Facebook links. Stories from strangers.

It's about missing the moments with your children.  Taking your time with them for granted.  Becoming "unplugged" and "hands free" if you will.

Our generation is so "connected" all the time now.  We have our smart phones in our pockets, on the dinner table and in our hands even when we should be talking to our kids, playing with them or telling our spouse about our day. 

I am guilty of it.  Not all of the time, but there have been plenty of times when the "I'm going to take a picture of that cute thing Ethan just did" turns into a half hour long checking in with Facebook and reading my emails. 

When in reality I should be fully present with my children.  All of the time. 

And so in the past few days I have committed to leaving my cell phone inside when I am outside playing with kids.

Wait, what? What if something happens? How will you call for help? Then you can't snap that quick picture of Reese running after the bunnies in the yard.  OH. WELL.

My parents didn't have cell phones back when they were raising my brother and I.  We turned out ok, I think.  :-)

I have also been made painfully aware that I should not take my time for granted with my children.  And it has hit me full force after reading several blogs of mothers who have lost their children WAY too early in life. 

Last night I left my phone in the house and worked with Ethan on riding his bike without the training wheels.  We both got hurt, we both laughed, we both cried and guess what? I don't have a single picture of that time together.

But I have the memories of spending quality, uninterrupted, hands-free, mommying time with my boy.

These are the blogs and articles that have inspired me lately.  I admit, a couple of them are hard to read.  But we should to remind us of just how precious our babies are......

http://www.handsfreemama.com/2012/05/07/how-to-miss-a-childhood/

http://randycourtneytripproth.blogspot.com/

http://aninchofgray.blogspot.com/

http://erikandkatekrull.blogspot.com/

Go hug and kiss on your kiddos and stop reading my blog! :-)

So, What's New?

It's been almost an entire month since I last wrote.

Just a few things have changed in the Shepard family.

We are now homeowners, which is anxiety and excitement all wrapped together in one big ball!

We have new neighbors who are quickly making friends with the kids and we are quickly figuring out who we mesh well with. 

Ethan's 5th birthday party preparations are well on their way.  And the thought of 15 kids around age 5 being in our house all at once has launched us into a frenzy.  But a bouncy house might be the way to go....  I have already started praying for sunshine that day.  And I don't think there's anything wrong with that!

Our best friends could possibly have a daughter soon.  In May.  But we're not quite sure yet.  The situation looks very promising but anything could change.  I am also praying fervently for this as well.  And the young mom who is thinking about placing her baby for adoption.  With our friends :-)

Reese will turn 21 months in a week.  That means that I only have 3 more months to enjoy having a child under the age of 2.  How the heck did that happen?

We had to replace one toilet already and it looks like other repairs will happen soon.  After we pay an arm and a leg in state, federal and property taxes.  Sigh.

A few birds have decided that our grill is a great place for a nest.  We don't have the heart to move/burn their nest right now, so grilling out is not an option for awhile. 

Management has decided to move our cheese once again at work in more ways than one.  It's a good thing that I adjust easily. :-)

Jimm seems to think that he needs to go to a training for his job and it just so happens to be in California in June.  I contemplated making a family trip out of it with the kids but quickly nixed the idea when I looked at the cost of airfare.  And did I mention that we owe a LOT of money for taxes? No family trip for awhile.....

The kids appear to have adjusted pretty quickly to the new house and neighborhood.  They love the next door neighbors and I'm sure that having a bouncy house in their yard our first weekend there probably helped the bonding :-) Our new neighbor Mackenize just turned 5, so her and Ethan will be going to kindergarten together!  And then he went down to play at another neighbor's house for a little while with Easton, age 4, and Addison, age 6!

I love the sound of my dishwasher. :-)  I haven't had one since I lived with my parents.  It's awesome.

I love my laundry room.

I love my garage.

I love my deck and backyard.

I don't like my mortgage payment, property taxes, repairs, cleaning a big house or constantly telling my rambunctious kids to stop touching things/stop turning off the lights/don't touch that cord.

But.... in the end it was all worth it.

Anyone want to buy a hot tub? It came with our house and we need to sell it to make some money.  Plus we'll probably never use it anyway. :-)

Wow, that was definitely rambling.

You remember when.......?

This past weekend Jimm and I started packing.  Like, for real packing. We went through closets, took down pictures, cleaned behind/under/around things.

Part of my job was to go through the kids clothes.  Jimm.....bless his heart (I'm not from the south, but I heard that you can make anything sound nice by adding "bless his heart") has no clue what size the kids are in, let alone what will fit them in a few months. 

I sat on the floor sorting through the piles of clothes and I found myself experiencing little pangs of difficulty separating. 

From clothing?

It's just an outfit.  Material possession.

Right?

Yes, but it's the "You remember when......." that goes along with the article of clothing. 

You might not associate a specific memory with one specific cute little outfit or shirt, but you remember their cute little chubby feet around the time that they would've worn that outfit.

You remember when they would still sit on your lap for more than one short minute cuddling with you.

You remember their smell.

You remember their first words, first steps, first time they reach out their arms to you......

I also realized that as I was letting the outfits go & as we were boxing things up to be passed down to friends, I was also letting go of having a newborn again.

Don't get me wrong.  I am 100% sure that 2 kids is it.  We're done.

But it's the realization that from now on, it's moving forward.  Each new "first" will mean that they are one step closer to independence.  To not needing me. Well, at least they think they won't need me :-)

Sigh.

I am also struggling a little bit with moving. 

I have been living in our little place for 14 years.  That's a long time.  And although we are cramped and constantly on top of one another.....

It has been our home together as a family for almost 7 years.  Jimm and I started out together as a couple and we became a family of four in our small tiny townhouse. 

I won't miss the tight, cramped space.  But I will miss the memories.

Just as it's not really the outfits that I will miss as they get packed away and passed on. 

But I will miss what they represent; the "remember when......".

19 months, going on 3 years.

My little girl is a piece of work I tell you. 

It's so difficult adjusting to a child who is racing through the developmental stages at the speed of light versus my preemie who took his own sweet time.

Ethan still wants me to help him get dressed at times (not because he can't do it himself, but because he is just plain lazy).  And Reese literally throws a tantrum now if we just try to help her get her clothes on.  Yep.  She can get her pants on all by herself; just don't mention to her that they might be on backwards. She can get her top on but can't quite figure out how to get her arms in the holes without some assistance. And she tries so very hard to get her socks on by herself. 

She throws a tantrum because she can't do it all by herself but when you try to help her she also throws a tantrum.  Sigh.

Don't even try to help her brush her teeth.

Don't you dare stray from our bedtime or morning routines.

She is now saying 3 or 4 word sentences.  Me. Brush. Teeth./ Me. Chocho (chocolate) dodo (donut).
Me. Baby. Go. Bye-Bye. Car.

She will let you know whether you asked or not exactly what you need when you are getting ready to depart from the Shepard household.  Shoes. Hat. Coat. Gloves. Bag. Caucau (coffee). Keys.

She calls Ethan "E-E".  Short and to the point.  Grammy has recently become "Me-Me".  I am definitely "Mommy" but our babysitter and my mom, Grandma, are both "Mama". 

She calls herself "Rees-E" or "Piecy"...our fault because we call her Reesey Piecy.  But she also now knows Shepard and says it almost perfectly. 

She is starting to recognize her colors.  Jimm was pulling out jammies the other night and she told him No. Pink.  Daddy was evidently not choosing correctly.

We are on the verge of potty training.  Yes, already.  Can't believe it.  Ethan was not ready until age 3 and if I would have started him before that it would have just been futile. 

She is now not only telling us when she has pooped in her diaper but also when she has done #1.  She woke up dry this morning and has also asked to go up and sit on the potty several times. 

My goal, though, is to wait until we move into our new house *hopefully* soon.  I figure if we start now and then move there might possibly be some regression not worth going through.........what do you mommies out there think?

She has a very bubbly and outgoing personality.  She is almost never in a bad mood.  When she gets hurt she cries and stops crying within a few seconds.  She love music and dancing.  She gets a kick out of gymnastics.  She loves baby dolls but also loves to tackle her brother on the run.  She wants to brush her hair and get ponytails in but the next thing you know she's pulling out the hair bands and knocking her brother upside his head.  Such a tomboy.

She kind of reminds me of someone.................

House Update

Too long to post on FaceBook as a status update and people have been inquiring as to what's going on with our house buying status.

So, in short we are still pursuing the house that we have a contract with.  The original lender we went through had an appraisal completed that wound up being a lot less than what the contract was for.  Therefore, we approached the seller about lowering the price on the house/contract but they said that they were standing firm.  So, we said we would have to break the contract.  1) We're not going to buy the house for more than what it's worth.  2) No bank/lender is going to loan us the money for more than what the house is worth.  Duh.

But when we said that we were going to walk, the seller had a change of heart within a day and said that they would pay for another appraisal if we would attempt to go through another lender.

Which is basically where we are currently at.  Going through the process with another lender.

Here's where I know that God is always part of the plan.  We started looking at other houses online again and found some that we were semi-interested in but there seemed to always be a "catch": taxes were higher, too far from our children's caregivers & family, not a great school system, no backyard, smaller square footage, etc. 

And then I feel God placed this new mortgage broker into our lives.  She is wonderful.  Within 10 minutes of speaking with her I felt completely comfortable and she was giving us more options that would wind up working to our benefit by far.  She was not just doing paperwork, she was working with us to help us figure out what our options were and how we could get the best deal.  Within 45 minutes we had figured out a way to get a lower interest rate than before, and if all goes well we could possibly close by March 15th....all depending on this new appraisal and if the seller is willing to go down (if it's another low appraisal). 

Oh, and we are officially, completely debt free.  We paid off our car today!

And our plan is to pay off our new mortgage within 7-10 years.  Think we're crazy? Look up Dave Ramsey and Financial Peace University.  It. Can. Be. Done!

Live like no one else so you can live like no one else.  Live like no one else so you can GIVE like no one else!  Can I get an AMEN!?!?!??!

Guilt of a Different Kind

I've posted before about struggling with mommy guilt when I think about fitting in exercise or going out with friends.  That kick in the gut you feel when you're walking out the door and the not so faint cries of "mommy, mommy" are trailing behind you.......

But a new kind of guilt found it's way into my gut and my heart.... and took hold something fierce a little over a week ago and has continued just kind of sitting there festering......

I found myself in my mommy bubble when Reese was in the hospital.  You know the bubble that exists when for you time stands still and you only think, eat, breathe, & pray for your little baby and you can't possibly wrap your head around the fact that for everyone else time is actually still moving forward? Yeah, that one.

I was existing and functioning on about 2-3 hours of sleep over 2 nights, coordinating schedules with friends & family to make sure that not only was someone with my baby every minute but that my older "baby" was also being taken care of, fed, dressed, loved on & maintaining some sort of schedule...as well as trying to remember to eat, have some small inkling or clue as to where my husband said he parked the car at the hospital and to politely yell at the hospital staff when my baby's fever kept going back up again and again. 

And it was all done in a haze.  A bubble.  Time stood still.  There was nothing else going on in the world except for what was happening in that hospital room.

And then Reese started getting better and the fog slowly started to clear.  With the exception of a few minor complications, all was well.

But as the week wore on the burden that was lifted off of me came back forcefully onto my shoulders again.  This time in the form of guilt. 

Guilt that I have been blessed to actually be a mommy.  Guilt that God blessed me with two amazing and beautiful children.

Because my friend Stacy was given the blessing of a child......only to lose her child a short 3 days later.  That another friend has never been able to get pregnant, let alone experience being a mommy.  That several other friends have experienced numerous miscarriages.......the pain that no one really talks about.  That 3 blog friends have recently experienced the horrible, heart wrenching pain of losing an older child through medical conditions or tragedies. 

I know that it is unreasonable of me to feel guilty about situations in which I had no control over. 

But it also made me change perspective and view things differently. 

Yes, we had a horrible scare with Reese but she is here.  Alive and well.  Maddeningly stubborn and full of mischief but she is doing fine.  I have my baby in my arms to comfort and love on...to kiss her boo-boos and tell her how much she means to me.

But those other mommy's and should be mommy's......................oh how my heart breaks for them. 

I just can't imagine the pain.  Well, I can imagine some of it.  I have suffered a miscarriage and it is a horrible unaddressed loss that makes you feel like an awful, unequipped woman & mother. 

But those other losses? That pain must also be so horrible.  To only be able to hold your baby for a few hours or days.  To experience a tragic loss of an older child who has succumbed to illness or an unforeseen accident....it's unbearable to think about.

But I am going to think about it.  I want to carry around that burden, that guilt.  Because if it takes off even an ounce from their shoulders I will gladly do it.  If it reminds me of what type of parent I should strive to be every day, I will carry that weight forever.  I never want to take for granted that God has doubly blessed me with my children.  It's my prayer that even in the midst of potty training & temper tantrums I can feel God applying the pressure of guilt down on my shoulders.........so that I may remember.