Guilt of a Different Kind

I've posted before about struggling with mommy guilt when I think about fitting in exercise or going out with friends.  That kick in the gut you feel when you're walking out the door and the not so faint cries of "mommy, mommy" are trailing behind you.......

But a new kind of guilt found it's way into my gut and my heart.... and took hold something fierce a little over a week ago and has continued just kind of sitting there festering......

I found myself in my mommy bubble when Reese was in the hospital.  You know the bubble that exists when for you time stands still and you only think, eat, breathe, & pray for your little baby and you can't possibly wrap your head around the fact that for everyone else time is actually still moving forward? Yeah, that one.

I was existing and functioning on about 2-3 hours of sleep over 2 nights, coordinating schedules with friends & family to make sure that not only was someone with my baby every minute but that my older "baby" was also being taken care of, fed, dressed, loved on & maintaining some sort of schedule...as well as trying to remember to eat, have some small inkling or clue as to where my husband said he parked the car at the hospital and to politely yell at the hospital staff when my baby's fever kept going back up again and again. 

And it was all done in a haze.  A bubble.  Time stood still.  There was nothing else going on in the world except for what was happening in that hospital room.

And then Reese started getting better and the fog slowly started to clear.  With the exception of a few minor complications, all was well.

But as the week wore on the burden that was lifted off of me came back forcefully onto my shoulders again.  This time in the form of guilt. 

Guilt that I have been blessed to actually be a mommy.  Guilt that God blessed me with two amazing and beautiful children.

Because my friend Stacy was given the blessing of a child......only to lose her child a short 3 days later.  That another friend has never been able to get pregnant, let alone experience being a mommy.  That several other friends have experienced numerous miscarriages.......the pain that no one really talks about.  That 3 blog friends have recently experienced the horrible, heart wrenching pain of losing an older child through medical conditions or tragedies. 

I know that it is unreasonable of me to feel guilty about situations in which I had no control over. 

But it also made me change perspective and view things differently. 

Yes, we had a horrible scare with Reese but she is here.  Alive and well.  Maddeningly stubborn and full of mischief but she is doing fine.  I have my baby in my arms to comfort and love on...to kiss her boo-boos and tell her how much she means to me.

But those other mommy's and should be mommy's......................oh how my heart breaks for them. 

I just can't imagine the pain.  Well, I can imagine some of it.  I have suffered a miscarriage and it is a horrible unaddressed loss that makes you feel like an awful, unequipped woman & mother. 

But those other losses? That pain must also be so horrible.  To only be able to hold your baby for a few hours or days.  To experience a tragic loss of an older child who has succumbed to illness or an unforeseen accident....it's unbearable to think about.

But I am going to think about it.  I want to carry around that burden, that guilt.  Because if it takes off even an ounce from their shoulders I will gladly do it.  If it reminds me of what type of parent I should strive to be every day, I will carry that weight forever.  I never want to take for granted that God has doubly blessed me with my children.  It's my prayer that even in the midst of potty training & temper tantrums I can feel God applying the pressure of guilt down on my shoulders.........so that I may remember.