My little girl is 14 months old now. And I will give in to peer pressure and say what everyone always does....
Time flies. "She'll be getting her driver's license before you know it". "Savor every moment".
I try not to compare Ethan and Reese too much because I want them to be individuals and be able to take advantage of their full potential while building on their unique strengths.
But as most parents should admit; you can't help but compare your children at times.
And just the other day I realized that Ethan wasn't even walking yet at 14 months. Reese has been walking for about 4 months now. But my little premature guy was still scooting and crawling when he was 14 months old.
And I was a worried- aware of child development- concerned for my boy- MAMA. So I put him in physical therapy and he walked a short time after starting therapy.
But back to my little girl. She is going to be like me. I guarantee it. Her personality is outgoing, friendly, stubborn, motivated, persistent, loving, stubborn, smiley, tough, stubborn and did I mention stubborn? She is also competitive and can already kick a soccer ball with accuracy and strength.
She starts dancing as soon as she hears music and loves to play outside. She has no fear and is very curious.
She loves iPhones, computers, remotes and TV's. She loves anything that her brother is playing with, eating, buying, watching or trying to get. :-)
I see her dabbling in music, being on a sports team, having boys pursuing her like crazy and her not even being aware that she's drop dead gorgeous, driving her parents crazy, being smart but not Harvard smart, and all the while being completely stubborn :-)
Yes, I'm a little biased and who knows...she might be helplessly shy by the time she gets to high school or she may turn into a dainty girly-girl.....but right now she is headed toward the good at sports-tomboy-might dabble in music like mommy did-type of gal. And I couldn't be happier.
Ethan at this point seems like he's going to be like his daddy. Likes to have fun, couldn't care less about competitive sports, computer loving, technology gifted, handy at most things type of guy. He seems to really like soccer....and is retaining the information and can dribble the ball pretty well but more often than not I see him goofing around with the other kids out on the field totally unaware of his opponent flying right by him with the ball. That's my boy.
I love my kids and their cute personalities. Even when they drive me crazy. :-)
Thursday, September 22, 2011
Friday, September 16, 2011
Parenting Stuff
You know how they say that you're never supposed to bring your work home with you?
Boundaries. Make sure you have them or you will be an emotional wreck.
That was one of the most difficult things to do when I was a foster care casemanager. Oh, how I would see those kids faces before I drifted off to sleep, would have nightmares about testifying in court on their behalf and would cry tears of sadness for those neglected and abused little ones.
Then, as I moved on and started working in the private adoption field I would rest easier and would comfort myself with thoughts of cute little Chinese girls being wrapped in loving arms by their new adoptive parents in their cute pink bedrooms with their new Americanized name slapped on the wall for all to see.
And then I became a mother.
I learned what it meant first hand for my children to experience the angst of separation anxiety when I left for work.
I heard my little boy crying out for me when left in the arms of his Sunday School teacher.
I experienced just how powerful and comforting the tone and sound of my voice could be for my newborn son when I could not physically hold or touch him for 24 hours after my PET scan.
I confirmed the significance of pre-natal bonding when my newborn daughter was agitated and daddy just wouldn't do...she needed the familiarity and softness of her mother.
_____________________________________________
And these bite-sized pieces of knowledge started adding up more and more when I would draw parallels between my children and the adopted children that I work with.
For those children who are adopted at birth, a few months old or a few years old: They will experience loss. They will experience attachment issues. They will experience adjustment issues. They will mourn for the mother that bore them. They will cry for the people, the sounds, the smells, the words that are all they've ever experienced.
Will they be happy, well-adjusted kids? Most likely, yes. Will being adopted affect their every day lives? Probably not. But we can not, we must not minimize or forget their beginnings.
Secrecy, half truths, lies and avoidance of the truth are not healthy for anyone. I'm not just talking about in adoption, but for everyone.
A hard hitting parallel has made it's way into my home lately in the form of a certain very intelligent 4 year old asking numerous questions about death. He has brought it up several times. Asking when people die, why they die and where they go.
I admit, I wasn't prepared sometimes to receive those questions and I struggled to find the answers that a 4 year old would understand. But I also wasn't going to lie and sugar coat it for him either. He needs to hear the truth, the whole truth and not some fairy tale answer.
And so I ventured into the territory of fumbling over my words and trying to explain to my sweet 4 year old that many people live until they are as old as his GG and Grandma Doogan. But also having to explain carefully that some people get really sick and go to heaven when they are younger. I avoided any soft explanations of dying being like going to sleep forever. I don't want him to be afraid of going to sleep or of one of us going to sleep.
He told me that when daddy and I die, he wants to go to heaven with us because he wants to be with us forever. He never wants to be apart from us. He also never wants to be separated from his stuffed dog Sammy and became quite emotional with the thought of not seeing him again.
And so I was slammed with the realization that at 4 years old my son already gets separation and loss issues. True raw grief over thinking about no longer having his dog Sammy. Allowing himself to feel sadness over losing a loved one. At 4 years old.
__________________________________________
Which brings me full circle. These issues are parallel to the issues that I counsel families on. The loss, separation, abandonment, grief, rejection, attachment and bonding issues that adopted children have. We need to recognize them, deal with them head on and not try to act like they don't exist. I am not going to shelter my children from real issues that at one point in their life they are going to be confronted with.
With that said, I think we need to spoon feed the information. Give a little bit, see if they can tolerate it. Meet them on their level of understanding. Don't give them too much, they might literally spit it back out at you. But don't starve them for information. Don't try to protect them so much that later on in life they are shocked by the harsh reality of adult issues.
We also need to give our children more credit. They can handle much more than we think they can. They are sponges yearning to be soaked with knowledge and we are their teachers. We, their parents, need to be the one informing them about these sensitive and difficult subjects.
Boundaries. Make sure you have them or you will be an emotional wreck.
That was one of the most difficult things to do when I was a foster care casemanager. Oh, how I would see those kids faces before I drifted off to sleep, would have nightmares about testifying in court on their behalf and would cry tears of sadness for those neglected and abused little ones.
Then, as I moved on and started working in the private adoption field I would rest easier and would comfort myself with thoughts of cute little Chinese girls being wrapped in loving arms by their new adoptive parents in their cute pink bedrooms with their new Americanized name slapped on the wall for all to see.
And then I became a mother.
I learned what it meant first hand for my children to experience the angst of separation anxiety when I left for work.
I heard my little boy crying out for me when left in the arms of his Sunday School teacher.
I experienced just how powerful and comforting the tone and sound of my voice could be for my newborn son when I could not physically hold or touch him for 24 hours after my PET scan.
I confirmed the significance of pre-natal bonding when my newborn daughter was agitated and daddy just wouldn't do...she needed the familiarity and softness of her mother.
_____________________________________________
And these bite-sized pieces of knowledge started adding up more and more when I would draw parallels between my children and the adopted children that I work with.
For those children who are adopted at birth, a few months old or a few years old: They will experience loss. They will experience attachment issues. They will experience adjustment issues. They will mourn for the mother that bore them. They will cry for the people, the sounds, the smells, the words that are all they've ever experienced.
Will they be happy, well-adjusted kids? Most likely, yes. Will being adopted affect their every day lives? Probably not. But we can not, we must not minimize or forget their beginnings.
Secrecy, half truths, lies and avoidance of the truth are not healthy for anyone. I'm not just talking about in adoption, but for everyone.
A hard hitting parallel has made it's way into my home lately in the form of a certain very intelligent 4 year old asking numerous questions about death. He has brought it up several times. Asking when people die, why they die and where they go.
I admit, I wasn't prepared sometimes to receive those questions and I struggled to find the answers that a 4 year old would understand. But I also wasn't going to lie and sugar coat it for him either. He needs to hear the truth, the whole truth and not some fairy tale answer.
And so I ventured into the territory of fumbling over my words and trying to explain to my sweet 4 year old that many people live until they are as old as his GG and Grandma Doogan. But also having to explain carefully that some people get really sick and go to heaven when they are younger. I avoided any soft explanations of dying being like going to sleep forever. I don't want him to be afraid of going to sleep or of one of us going to sleep.
He told me that when daddy and I die, he wants to go to heaven with us because he wants to be with us forever. He never wants to be apart from us. He also never wants to be separated from his stuffed dog Sammy and became quite emotional with the thought of not seeing him again.
And so I was slammed with the realization that at 4 years old my son already gets separation and loss issues. True raw grief over thinking about no longer having his dog Sammy. Allowing himself to feel sadness over losing a loved one. At 4 years old.
__________________________________________
Which brings me full circle. These issues are parallel to the issues that I counsel families on. The loss, separation, abandonment, grief, rejection, attachment and bonding issues that adopted children have. We need to recognize them, deal with them head on and not try to act like they don't exist. I am not going to shelter my children from real issues that at one point in their life they are going to be confronted with.
With that said, I think we need to spoon feed the information. Give a little bit, see if they can tolerate it. Meet them on their level of understanding. Don't give them too much, they might literally spit it back out at you. But don't starve them for information. Don't try to protect them so much that later on in life they are shocked by the harsh reality of adult issues.
We also need to give our children more credit. They can handle much more than we think they can. They are sponges yearning to be soaked with knowledge and we are their teachers. We, their parents, need to be the one informing them about these sensitive and difficult subjects.
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