Keep my in your prayers if you will. I realized yesterday at church (when the message was on "Moments") that 5 years ago everything happened on a Friday, Saturday, Sunday combo....it is the same this year. Exact same dates. It might be too easy to fall into remembering that.....so your prayers are appreciated! Thank you for all of your support!
Dear Ethan,
After you were born I was encouraged by many to write you a letter describing the various events that took place a few days before you were born as well as several months after you were born.
I am now just getting around to writing you that letter. Not because it wasn't important to me. But just the opposite. It is extremely important to me. So important that I haven't been able to find the words to write this letter until now.
Every attempt to write this letter before now has left me sitting at the keyboard sobbing. Getting choked up. In fact, just typing those words has once again left a nice little lump in my throat.
You see, even though it has been five years it is still as fresh as if it had happened yesterday. The sounds, the feelings, where I was standing, sitting and pacing back and forth. I can still picture your dad standing by the big window of our tiny house calling our close friends and family to tell them that you were arriving a whopping 5 weeks earlier than we had anticipated.
We were overjoyed to know that we were going to meet you sooner but we were scared to death of why.
My sweet, generous, curious little boy: Your mama was diagnosed with Stage 3 breast cancer just a few weeks before your due date. I was, before this diagnosis, the "epitomy" of health. I had never broken a bone, never been hospitalized & had only had small bouts of illnesses that I easily recovered from. One night laying in bed I felt something abnormal in my breast and mentioned it to your dad. I then called your grandma who assured me that things change with pregnancy but that I definitely should mention it to the doctor the next time I went in.
The doctor didn't like how the lump felt and sent me for a breast ultrasound. That's when things started getting scary. At not quite 34 years old I was sent for my first mammogram. You'll understand what this is when you get older but it's a test to check for cancer or other abnormalities. Usually doctors recommend that you start getting them when you turn 40. So I was pretty nervous that they wanted me to get one when I was 33 and 8 months pregnant with you!
At my next pre-natal visit to check on you, the doctor discussed the results with me and told me that the lump was "suspicious" and that we needed to immediately make an appointment with a surgeon.
Your dad and I were completely shocked at this point. We weren't prepared for the word "suspicious". We really thought that everything was going to be fine.
So, we apprehensively called the surgeon and made an appointment. After an exam on the morning of May 18, 2007 the surgeon decided to do a core biopsy of the lump right at his office. It was a Friday morning and he wanted to get the biopsy over to the hospital to be looked at right away. I remember him getting on the phone with the hospital and yelling at them that they needed to get this biopsy looked at asap because he had a young, pregnant lady waiting for her results! After the biopsy your dad and I left the doctor's office in a daze. We stopped and fed our fear with Culver's (can you tell I remember every single detail?).
We walked into the house and just a few minutes later got a call from the surgeon. He asked us why we left the office and we told him that the nurse told us to because she didn't think we would hear anything until after the weekend. He then said that he hated to tell us what he had to tell us over the phone.
My heart dropped. His words became mush in my ears. My eyes are stinging right now remembering. Time slowed yet it didn't. It was as if it was happening to someone else.
And then that word............................ Cancer.
I think I might have blacked out for a brief period (not really, but that's what it felt like). And then my OB/GYN was getting on the phone. I snapped back into reality.
Now, they weren't just talking about me but they were talking about you. My baby.
They wanted to induce labor so that they could figure out the next steps for my treatment and surgery.
So many questions were circling through my head but I couldn't find the words. Your daddy took the reins on that one. Will the baby be ok? Is it too early? What will the risks be?
We were assured that you would be fine. We were told to go to the hospital that evening to start the induction process. To take our time....but not really. They wanted us there that night and it was already 4pm or so.
We hung up. And I sobbed. Those heart-wrenching, breath caught in your throat sobs. Your dad wrapped me in his arms but he had his own emotions he was dealing with as well.
Your Grandpa and Grandma, Grammy and Papa all rushed to be with us. They stayed for awhile but went home because we knew you weren't ready to come just yet. They came back the next day as did so many of our friends and family to support us. God lifted us up through that crazy time and He assured us that you would be ok!
You made your appearance into this world at 2:22am on Sunday, May 20th. It was a long labor but when it was time to push you made it pretty easy on your mama :-). Three pushes and you were out! We all held our breath as we waited to hear your cry and to make sure you were ok. And you were. Even at 5 weeks early you were 6lbs. 0oz. and 19 inches long. You were perfect.
Mommy and Daddy got to love on you and settle in with you before the doctors started working on me. I had surgery to remove the cancer on June 1st, 2007. During the surgery the doctors checked to see if the cancer spread into the lymph nodes or anywhere else. They described it as a miracle that it had not. Did you hear that, Ethan? It was a miracle! I want you to remember that. You are mama's miracle.
And I also want you to realize that you saved my life. Yep. That's how I see it.
The cancer was already there but when I became pregnant the hormones from the pregnancy made the lump grow and I was able to detect it and feel it on my own. If I hadn't become pregnant, I could still be walking around today not knowing that the cancer was growing inside of me.
You helped me find it and then I was able to get treated in time.
I won't lie or "sugar coat" things for you. If the cancer had spread I might not be here writing this to you today. It might have been too late to do anything.
But a MIRACLE occurred.
It wasn't easy having to go through chemotherapy or radiation treatments, but I would gladly go through all of that again if it meant that I could have decades more as your mama. I have now been "cancer free" for 5 years. It's a significant milestone. Is it a guarantee that I will never have to battle that war again? No. It could come back any time. But cancer is MOST likely to reoccur within the first five years.
You and your sister mean more to me than anything else in this world (besides your dad)! I love you both with all of my heart. I will never take being your mama for granted. It's not always easy, but I wouldn't change it for the world.
So, why this letter? Because I want you to know your history and how you came into the world. Because it's your story too, not just mine. I also want you to know that you and your sister are mommy's miracles. Don't ever let anyone tell you that miracles don't happen anymore. They do. And now with this letter you have proof.
Ethan James Shepard, Happy 5th Birthday! You are loved!!!!
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