My little girl is 14 months old now. And I will give in to peer pressure and say what everyone always does....
Time flies. "She'll be getting her driver's license before you know it". "Savor every moment".
I try not to compare Ethan and Reese too much because I want them to be individuals and be able to take advantage of their full potential while building on their unique strengths.
But as most parents should admit; you can't help but compare your children at times.
And just the other day I realized that Ethan wasn't even walking yet at 14 months. Reese has been walking for about 4 months now. But my little premature guy was still scooting and crawling when he was 14 months old.
And I was a worried- aware of child development- concerned for my boy- MAMA. So I put him in physical therapy and he walked a short time after starting therapy.
But back to my little girl. She is going to be like me. I guarantee it. Her personality is outgoing, friendly, stubborn, motivated, persistent, loving, stubborn, smiley, tough, stubborn and did I mention stubborn? She is also competitive and can already kick a soccer ball with accuracy and strength.
She starts dancing as soon as she hears music and loves to play outside. She has no fear and is very curious.
She loves iPhones, computers, remotes and TV's. She loves anything that her brother is playing with, eating, buying, watching or trying to get. :-)
I see her dabbling in music, being on a sports team, having boys pursuing her like crazy and her not even being aware that she's drop dead gorgeous, driving her parents crazy, being smart but not Harvard smart, and all the while being completely stubborn :-)
Yes, I'm a little biased and who knows...she might be helplessly shy by the time she gets to high school or she may turn into a dainty girly-girl.....but right now she is headed toward the good at sports-tomboy-might dabble in music like mommy did-type of gal. And I couldn't be happier.
Ethan at this point seems like he's going to be like his daddy. Likes to have fun, couldn't care less about competitive sports, computer loving, technology gifted, handy at most things type of guy. He seems to really like soccer....and is retaining the information and can dribble the ball pretty well but more often than not I see him goofing around with the other kids out on the field totally unaware of his opponent flying right by him with the ball. That's my boy.
I love my kids and their cute personalities. Even when they drive me crazy. :-)
Thursday, September 22, 2011
Friday, September 16, 2011
Parenting Stuff
You know how they say that you're never supposed to bring your work home with you?
Boundaries. Make sure you have them or you will be an emotional wreck.
That was one of the most difficult things to do when I was a foster care casemanager. Oh, how I would see those kids faces before I drifted off to sleep, would have nightmares about testifying in court on their behalf and would cry tears of sadness for those neglected and abused little ones.
Then, as I moved on and started working in the private adoption field I would rest easier and would comfort myself with thoughts of cute little Chinese girls being wrapped in loving arms by their new adoptive parents in their cute pink bedrooms with their new Americanized name slapped on the wall for all to see.
And then I became a mother.
I learned what it meant first hand for my children to experience the angst of separation anxiety when I left for work.
I heard my little boy crying out for me when left in the arms of his Sunday School teacher.
I experienced just how powerful and comforting the tone and sound of my voice could be for my newborn son when I could not physically hold or touch him for 24 hours after my PET scan.
I confirmed the significance of pre-natal bonding when my newborn daughter was agitated and daddy just wouldn't do...she needed the familiarity and softness of her mother.
_____________________________________________
And these bite-sized pieces of knowledge started adding up more and more when I would draw parallels between my children and the adopted children that I work with.
For those children who are adopted at birth, a few months old or a few years old: They will experience loss. They will experience attachment issues. They will experience adjustment issues. They will mourn for the mother that bore them. They will cry for the people, the sounds, the smells, the words that are all they've ever experienced.
Will they be happy, well-adjusted kids? Most likely, yes. Will being adopted affect their every day lives? Probably not. But we can not, we must not minimize or forget their beginnings.
Secrecy, half truths, lies and avoidance of the truth are not healthy for anyone. I'm not just talking about in adoption, but for everyone.
A hard hitting parallel has made it's way into my home lately in the form of a certain very intelligent 4 year old asking numerous questions about death. He has brought it up several times. Asking when people die, why they die and where they go.
I admit, I wasn't prepared sometimes to receive those questions and I struggled to find the answers that a 4 year old would understand. But I also wasn't going to lie and sugar coat it for him either. He needs to hear the truth, the whole truth and not some fairy tale answer.
And so I ventured into the territory of fumbling over my words and trying to explain to my sweet 4 year old that many people live until they are as old as his GG and Grandma Doogan. But also having to explain carefully that some people get really sick and go to heaven when they are younger. I avoided any soft explanations of dying being like going to sleep forever. I don't want him to be afraid of going to sleep or of one of us going to sleep.
He told me that when daddy and I die, he wants to go to heaven with us because he wants to be with us forever. He never wants to be apart from us. He also never wants to be separated from his stuffed dog Sammy and became quite emotional with the thought of not seeing him again.
And so I was slammed with the realization that at 4 years old my son already gets separation and loss issues. True raw grief over thinking about no longer having his dog Sammy. Allowing himself to feel sadness over losing a loved one. At 4 years old.
__________________________________________
Which brings me full circle. These issues are parallel to the issues that I counsel families on. The loss, separation, abandonment, grief, rejection, attachment and bonding issues that adopted children have. We need to recognize them, deal with them head on and not try to act like they don't exist. I am not going to shelter my children from real issues that at one point in their life they are going to be confronted with.
With that said, I think we need to spoon feed the information. Give a little bit, see if they can tolerate it. Meet them on their level of understanding. Don't give them too much, they might literally spit it back out at you. But don't starve them for information. Don't try to protect them so much that later on in life they are shocked by the harsh reality of adult issues.
We also need to give our children more credit. They can handle much more than we think they can. They are sponges yearning to be soaked with knowledge and we are their teachers. We, their parents, need to be the one informing them about these sensitive and difficult subjects.
Boundaries. Make sure you have them or you will be an emotional wreck.
That was one of the most difficult things to do when I was a foster care casemanager. Oh, how I would see those kids faces before I drifted off to sleep, would have nightmares about testifying in court on their behalf and would cry tears of sadness for those neglected and abused little ones.
Then, as I moved on and started working in the private adoption field I would rest easier and would comfort myself with thoughts of cute little Chinese girls being wrapped in loving arms by their new adoptive parents in their cute pink bedrooms with their new Americanized name slapped on the wall for all to see.
And then I became a mother.
I learned what it meant first hand for my children to experience the angst of separation anxiety when I left for work.
I heard my little boy crying out for me when left in the arms of his Sunday School teacher.
I experienced just how powerful and comforting the tone and sound of my voice could be for my newborn son when I could not physically hold or touch him for 24 hours after my PET scan.
I confirmed the significance of pre-natal bonding when my newborn daughter was agitated and daddy just wouldn't do...she needed the familiarity and softness of her mother.
_____________________________________________
And these bite-sized pieces of knowledge started adding up more and more when I would draw parallels between my children and the adopted children that I work with.
For those children who are adopted at birth, a few months old or a few years old: They will experience loss. They will experience attachment issues. They will experience adjustment issues. They will mourn for the mother that bore them. They will cry for the people, the sounds, the smells, the words that are all they've ever experienced.
Will they be happy, well-adjusted kids? Most likely, yes. Will being adopted affect their every day lives? Probably not. But we can not, we must not minimize or forget their beginnings.
Secrecy, half truths, lies and avoidance of the truth are not healthy for anyone. I'm not just talking about in adoption, but for everyone.
A hard hitting parallel has made it's way into my home lately in the form of a certain very intelligent 4 year old asking numerous questions about death. He has brought it up several times. Asking when people die, why they die and where they go.
I admit, I wasn't prepared sometimes to receive those questions and I struggled to find the answers that a 4 year old would understand. But I also wasn't going to lie and sugar coat it for him either. He needs to hear the truth, the whole truth and not some fairy tale answer.
And so I ventured into the territory of fumbling over my words and trying to explain to my sweet 4 year old that many people live until they are as old as his GG and Grandma Doogan. But also having to explain carefully that some people get really sick and go to heaven when they are younger. I avoided any soft explanations of dying being like going to sleep forever. I don't want him to be afraid of going to sleep or of one of us going to sleep.
He told me that when daddy and I die, he wants to go to heaven with us because he wants to be with us forever. He never wants to be apart from us. He also never wants to be separated from his stuffed dog Sammy and became quite emotional with the thought of not seeing him again.
And so I was slammed with the realization that at 4 years old my son already gets separation and loss issues. True raw grief over thinking about no longer having his dog Sammy. Allowing himself to feel sadness over losing a loved one. At 4 years old.
__________________________________________
Which brings me full circle. These issues are parallel to the issues that I counsel families on. The loss, separation, abandonment, grief, rejection, attachment and bonding issues that adopted children have. We need to recognize them, deal with them head on and not try to act like they don't exist. I am not going to shelter my children from real issues that at one point in their life they are going to be confronted with.
With that said, I think we need to spoon feed the information. Give a little bit, see if they can tolerate it. Meet them on their level of understanding. Don't give them too much, they might literally spit it back out at you. But don't starve them for information. Don't try to protect them so much that later on in life they are shocked by the harsh reality of adult issues.
We also need to give our children more credit. They can handle much more than we think they can. They are sponges yearning to be soaked with knowledge and we are their teachers. We, their parents, need to be the one informing them about these sensitive and difficult subjects.
Monday, August 29, 2011
Mommy Guilt
You know, that overwhelming feeling that comes over you as soon as you walk out of the house and you hear your youngest wailing through the door and the oldest screaming "mommy, mommy" while banging on the window and your cell phone is already vibrating with a text from your husband asking what time he can expect you home?
Yeah, that one. The guilt.
And it appears that it's only a mommy thing. At least from what I've heard.
When asked if men have daddy guilt my husband looked at me blankly for several seconds before asking me what I was talking about.
I guess that was my answer.
I sometimes feel crippled by mommy guilt. I am taking next week off so that I can spend some extra time with my kiddos but more than anything it's because I want one night and two days alone with my husband. So why do I have to take the whole week off? Because my mom watches my kids 3 days a week and to ask her for a weekend just doesn't feel right. Plus she wouldn't/couldn't do it. And I completely understand that. But I'm the one who takes a whole week of work off (alright ...it's only 4 days because of Labor Day...but still), so that my mom doesn't have to watch them during the week so that she can take one of the kids Friday and Saturday (overnight) so that I can have an anniversary weekend with my husband. Yes, that was a long run on sentence with a few too many so's. :-) And my mother-in-law is going to take the other one overnight....at least then they have special nights at the grandparents and one is definitely easier to handle than both!
But I'm crippled by the guilt whenever I think of doing something for myself or spending time with others.
I have been thinking about and wanting to join a gym so that I can lose the -ahem- dare I even still call it pregnancy weight after 1 year? Yes, I will. :-) I digress. I have wanted to join a gym for months but every time I even think about when I would exercise it either gets me home at 10pm or it cuts into my time with the kids and I already feel guilty about leaving them in someone else's care the majority of the day while I help to financially provide for my family. SIGH.
I also feel incredible guilt when I go out with my girlfriends. Sure, I usually have fun and enjoy myself and at times allow myself to relax....but then I find myself checking my phone to see if I've missed any panicked or urgent texts or to see what time it is. And then I think to myself, well I've only been gone for 2 hours, so I think I can do one more hour.
Do you really think that my husband does that? I can guarantee that he DOES NOT. He told me doesn't. Guilt? Ha. If he's out with the guys ordering the new brew that's on tap, I know for certain he is not wondering how the kids are behaving or if he's needed at home.
It's not that my husband is selfish or doesn't care....it's just not in him to feel guilty about needing some alone time or some friend time.
I even feel guilty when I go to the grocery store by myself. I constantly think...hmmmm...well, I guess I could bring Ethan along today, that would make things easier on Jimm. But I have stuck to my guns on this one. If I can go to the grocery store by myself, I will. It is WAY too difficult to double check prices and coupons while I have a 4 year old -who no longer rides in the cart- constantly asking me if he can have a ring pop, popsicles, fruit snacks....oh, no mommy I have to go potty..... Yep, you get the picture.
So what are you supposed to do with this guilt? Because as a therapist I often give advice to parents and individuals that they need "me-time" in order to retain their sanity. Why oh why is it so hard for me to follow my own advice? And even if I follow that advice and take some time for myself, how can I let go of the guilt long enough to relax, regroup and feel refreshed?
Well, I'm going to attempt this by finally redeeming my Christmas gift from my awesome husband. Yep, Christmas 2010. :-) Over 8 months ago.
I booked a spa day for myself. Massage. Mani-Pedi. During my week off I asked our regular sitter (who is also my good friend) to still come on Thursday even though I'm not working. And I'm going to go get myself pampered. And hopefully I can relax and let the guilt go. Even if it's just for a few hours.
If you have any other ways of dealing with mommy guilt I would be love to hear them!
Yeah, that one. The guilt.
And it appears that it's only a mommy thing. At least from what I've heard.
When asked if men have daddy guilt my husband looked at me blankly for several seconds before asking me what I was talking about.
I guess that was my answer.
I sometimes feel crippled by mommy guilt. I am taking next week off so that I can spend some extra time with my kiddos but more than anything it's because I want one night and two days alone with my husband. So why do I have to take the whole week off? Because my mom watches my kids 3 days a week and to ask her for a weekend just doesn't feel right. Plus she wouldn't/couldn't do it. And I completely understand that. But I'm the one who takes a whole week of work off (alright ...it's only 4 days because of Labor Day...but still), so that my mom doesn't have to watch them during the week so that she can take one of the kids Friday and Saturday (overnight) so that I can have an anniversary weekend with my husband. Yes, that was a long run on sentence with a few too many so's. :-) And my mother-in-law is going to take the other one overnight....at least then they have special nights at the grandparents and one is definitely easier to handle than both!
But I'm crippled by the guilt whenever I think of doing something for myself or spending time with others.
I have been thinking about and wanting to join a gym so that I can lose the -ahem- dare I even still call it pregnancy weight after 1 year? Yes, I will. :-) I digress. I have wanted to join a gym for months but every time I even think about when I would exercise it either gets me home at 10pm or it cuts into my time with the kids and I already feel guilty about leaving them in someone else's care the majority of the day while I help to financially provide for my family. SIGH.
I also feel incredible guilt when I go out with my girlfriends. Sure, I usually have fun and enjoy myself and at times allow myself to relax....but then I find myself checking my phone to see if I've missed any panicked or urgent texts or to see what time it is. And then I think to myself, well I've only been gone for 2 hours, so I think I can do one more hour.
Do you really think that my husband does that? I can guarantee that he DOES NOT. He told me doesn't. Guilt? Ha. If he's out with the guys ordering the new brew that's on tap, I know for certain he is not wondering how the kids are behaving or if he's needed at home.
It's not that my husband is selfish or doesn't care....it's just not in him to feel guilty about needing some alone time or some friend time.
I even feel guilty when I go to the grocery store by myself. I constantly think...hmmmm...well, I guess I could bring Ethan along today, that would make things easier on Jimm. But I have stuck to my guns on this one. If I can go to the grocery store by myself, I will. It is WAY too difficult to double check prices and coupons while I have a 4 year old -who no longer rides in the cart- constantly asking me if he can have a ring pop, popsicles, fruit snacks....oh, no mommy I have to go potty..... Yep, you get the picture.
So what are you supposed to do with this guilt? Because as a therapist I often give advice to parents and individuals that they need "me-time" in order to retain their sanity. Why oh why is it so hard for me to follow my own advice? And even if I follow that advice and take some time for myself, how can I let go of the guilt long enough to relax, regroup and feel refreshed?
Well, I'm going to attempt this by finally redeeming my Christmas gift from my awesome husband. Yep, Christmas 2010. :-) Over 8 months ago.
I booked a spa day for myself. Massage. Mani-Pedi. During my week off I asked our regular sitter (who is also my good friend) to still come on Thursday even though I'm not working. And I'm going to go get myself pampered. And hopefully I can relax and let the guilt go. Even if it's just for a few hours.
If you have any other ways of dealing with mommy guilt I would be love to hear them!
Friday, August 26, 2011
Euthanasia, The Death Penalty and......
Euthanasia: Euthanasia is the intentional killing by act or omission of a dependent human being for his or her alleged benefit.
There are still many debates about euthanasia. Should it be legal? Allowed in certain circumstances? What if it were you or your loved one that was suffering, in pain and it was determined there was no cure for the illness? Terminally ill?
I try to be open-minded about a lot of things because many times my motto is unless I've gone through something or experienced something I can't definitively say yes, no, never, no way to certain political or ethical issues.
This week some good friends of ours (I referred to them in my previous post) decided to euthanize their dog due to his diagnosis of advanced cancer. He was given a few months to live at first, but then the doctors realized it was much more advanced than they first thought and gave him a couple of weeks. Unfortunately he continued to have seizures several times a day, vomited several times a day and would have many accidents as well. Even though they were giving him pain medication he was miserable. My friends hated seeing him suffer. They did not want to see their loved one in pain.
Euthanizing a pet is legal. It is seen as an act of love for the pet who doesn't have a voice of their own. Jack couldn't tell my friends how he felt or whether he wanted to stay around a little while longer. They went on the information that the doctors gave them as well as what they were witnessing first hand ....that he was miserable and in a lot of pain. So as some people might call euthanasia....it was a "mercy killing".
Why do we have different laws with humans? And you don't have to reply.....it was really a rhetorical question that I already know the answers to :-)
However, it has been on my mind more and more lately. What if I were given a diagnosis that I was going to die in 2 months? My initial reaction is that I would want to spend every waking last minute of my life spending time with my family and friends. But what if those two months were spent with me vomiting, having seizures, not being able to eat, walk, talk or play with my kids? What if I could spare them seeing their mother deterioriate right before their eyes and have them remember me healthy and full of life? Suicide? Mercy killing? Assisted suicide? Euthanasia.
Why a different set of rules for humans? It's what we do for our pets. Pondering.....
Is it because we don't think that we should play God? Is it that we don't think a human should ever legally be able to kill another human? Or is it the difficulty of then determining what is euthanasia versus murder? Or all of those?
What about the death penalty? Someone is "playing God" there, aren't they? Determining that someone's life is worth less than the victim or victims? And what if there is an innocent person put to death? And don't get me wrong....remember my motto...unless I've gone through it or been a part of it, I don't know how I would feel.
My problem with the death penalty is: What does it solve? Does it right the wrong that was incurred? Does it make the victim or victim's families feel better? Does it make their pain less? Do they not still suffer their loss?
And yes I have tried to imagine what I would feel or how I would react if someone killed one of my children. Would I not want that person to be punished for their crime? Absolutely. But I don't know that I would "feel better" knowing that they too lost their life. I think I would feel better knowing that they were going to sit in a prison for the rest of their life. To me, that's punishment.
But I know that's just my view and just my opinion. But it brings me back to euthanasia and the death penalty and how sometimes I just don't get where we derive our laws from. It's ok to lay down our pets but we can't lay down a person. It's ok to kill someone who has committed a horrendous crime (and hope that they are actually guilty) but we can't ask someone to take a life that is suffering from horrendous pain. We allow someone to kill their developing baby in the womb as a form of birth control but we think it's an unthinkable crime if a pregnant woman is killed and the murderer is charged with a double murder.
Inconsistent. Sometimes backward thinking. Just some thoughts to ponder. You know, the light sort of stuff like death, dying and mercy killing.
Happy Friday! :-) Hopefully my next post will be more uplifting!
There are still many debates about euthanasia. Should it be legal? Allowed in certain circumstances? What if it were you or your loved one that was suffering, in pain and it was determined there was no cure for the illness? Terminally ill?
I try to be open-minded about a lot of things because many times my motto is unless I've gone through something or experienced something I can't definitively say yes, no, never, no way to certain political or ethical issues.
This week some good friends of ours (I referred to them in my previous post) decided to euthanize their dog due to his diagnosis of advanced cancer. He was given a few months to live at first, but then the doctors realized it was much more advanced than they first thought and gave him a couple of weeks. Unfortunately he continued to have seizures several times a day, vomited several times a day and would have many accidents as well. Even though they were giving him pain medication he was miserable. My friends hated seeing him suffer. They did not want to see their loved one in pain.
Euthanizing a pet is legal. It is seen as an act of love for the pet who doesn't have a voice of their own. Jack couldn't tell my friends how he felt or whether he wanted to stay around a little while longer. They went on the information that the doctors gave them as well as what they were witnessing first hand ....that he was miserable and in a lot of pain. So as some people might call euthanasia....it was a "mercy killing".
Why do we have different laws with humans? And you don't have to reply.....it was really a rhetorical question that I already know the answers to :-)
However, it has been on my mind more and more lately. What if I were given a diagnosis that I was going to die in 2 months? My initial reaction is that I would want to spend every waking last minute of my life spending time with my family and friends. But what if those two months were spent with me vomiting, having seizures, not being able to eat, walk, talk or play with my kids? What if I could spare them seeing their mother deterioriate right before their eyes and have them remember me healthy and full of life? Suicide? Mercy killing? Assisted suicide? Euthanasia.
Why a different set of rules for humans? It's what we do for our pets. Pondering.....
Is it because we don't think that we should play God? Is it that we don't think a human should ever legally be able to kill another human? Or is it the difficulty of then determining what is euthanasia versus murder? Or all of those?
What about the death penalty? Someone is "playing God" there, aren't they? Determining that someone's life is worth less than the victim or victims? And what if there is an innocent person put to death? And don't get me wrong....remember my motto...unless I've gone through it or been a part of it, I don't know how I would feel.
My problem with the death penalty is: What does it solve? Does it right the wrong that was incurred? Does it make the victim or victim's families feel better? Does it make their pain less? Do they not still suffer their loss?
And yes I have tried to imagine what I would feel or how I would react if someone killed one of my children. Would I not want that person to be punished for their crime? Absolutely. But I don't know that I would "feel better" knowing that they too lost their life. I think I would feel better knowing that they were going to sit in a prison for the rest of their life. To me, that's punishment.
But I know that's just my view and just my opinion. But it brings me back to euthanasia and the death penalty and how sometimes I just don't get where we derive our laws from. It's ok to lay down our pets but we can't lay down a person. It's ok to kill someone who has committed a horrendous crime (and hope that they are actually guilty) but we can't ask someone to take a life that is suffering from horrendous pain. We allow someone to kill their developing baby in the womb as a form of birth control but we think it's an unthinkable crime if a pregnant woman is killed and the murderer is charged with a double murder.
Inconsistent. Sometimes backward thinking. Just some thoughts to ponder. You know, the light sort of stuff like death, dying and mercy killing.
Happy Friday! :-) Hopefully my next post will be more uplifting!
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Suffering and Loss
Some very good friends of mine are at an animal clinic right now with their precious dog who is about to meet His Maker.
I'm sure that the decision they have made to lay their loved one down was not an easy one. They made the decision based on their love for him and the fact that he was in so much pain and that he was suffering every day.
It has sparked various conversations with my 4 year old who had the chance to visit and play with Jack yesterday on his last full day here on earth. Ethan understands that Jack is sick and does not feel very good and therefore will be going to "doggie heaven" today. Another friend of mine recently had to do the same thing for her beloved dog, Duke, and Ethan takes comfort in knowing that Duke and Jack get to meet each other in heaven and will no longer be sick.
I have to admit, I was wary of Ethan absorbing this much knowledge of death, sickness and heaven at such a young age. But after praying with Ethan last night we were talking about his stuffed dog Sammy and how he is a pretend dog and that he can keep Sammy as long as he wants to and until he decides to no longer have him. All of a sudden tears sprang up in his eyes and started streaming down his face. Jimm and I were alarmed and my first thought was "I never should have let him know about Jack". But as we started talking to Ethan he told us he was sad because he "never wanted to let Sammy go". He "wanted him to be with him forever and ever".
My 4 year old gets it. He gets being attached, loving someone (or something like Sammy, bless his heart!), and what it would feel like to lose someone. We assured him that he could keep Sammy as long as he wanted to, but that was why we encouraged him to leave Sammy at home so we didn't lose him or leave him somewhere (which has happened a few times, but by the grace of God he has always found his way home to us!). He went to bed with dry eyes after comforting words from mommy and daddy.
I went into the kitchen and all of a sudden I realized that Ethan is 4 years old and that my little cousin Lucy was 5 when her daddy died from a heart attack. Holy Crap! Ethan is almost the same age as she was when her daddy went to heaven. And I started crying knowing how attached Ethan is to so many people in his life and how much that would impact him. He is very close to both of his great grandma's and sees them on a regular basis. But they are getting up there in age and now I am dreading the day that we lose either one of them. Or our parents. And it doesn't have to be someone who is older, anything could happen to anyone...anytime.
Not only did this impact me in regards to my own family and our losses, but of course.....hello I'm a social worker.....I started thinking about the kids that I work with and counsel. The children who are adopted at age 3, 4, 5 and even older. If my little boy at age 4 understands and can emotionally tap into the grief of losing a loved one, what have some of these other kids gone through? Wow.
And this has also got my brain spinning about euthanasia as well.......but that's going to have to be another post for another day. I can only handle so much processing at once :-)
And after that depressing post, I need to go call my mom to see how my kiddos are doing. :-)
I'm sure that the decision they have made to lay their loved one down was not an easy one. They made the decision based on their love for him and the fact that he was in so much pain and that he was suffering every day.
It has sparked various conversations with my 4 year old who had the chance to visit and play with Jack yesterday on his last full day here on earth. Ethan understands that Jack is sick and does not feel very good and therefore will be going to "doggie heaven" today. Another friend of mine recently had to do the same thing for her beloved dog, Duke, and Ethan takes comfort in knowing that Duke and Jack get to meet each other in heaven and will no longer be sick.
I have to admit, I was wary of Ethan absorbing this much knowledge of death, sickness and heaven at such a young age. But after praying with Ethan last night we were talking about his stuffed dog Sammy and how he is a pretend dog and that he can keep Sammy as long as he wants to and until he decides to no longer have him. All of a sudden tears sprang up in his eyes and started streaming down his face. Jimm and I were alarmed and my first thought was "I never should have let him know about Jack". But as we started talking to Ethan he told us he was sad because he "never wanted to let Sammy go". He "wanted him to be with him forever and ever".
My 4 year old gets it. He gets being attached, loving someone (or something like Sammy, bless his heart!), and what it would feel like to lose someone. We assured him that he could keep Sammy as long as he wanted to, but that was why we encouraged him to leave Sammy at home so we didn't lose him or leave him somewhere (which has happened a few times, but by the grace of God he has always found his way home to us!). He went to bed with dry eyes after comforting words from mommy and daddy.
I went into the kitchen and all of a sudden I realized that Ethan is 4 years old and that my little cousin Lucy was 5 when her daddy died from a heart attack. Holy Crap! Ethan is almost the same age as she was when her daddy went to heaven. And I started crying knowing how attached Ethan is to so many people in his life and how much that would impact him. He is very close to both of his great grandma's and sees them on a regular basis. But they are getting up there in age and now I am dreading the day that we lose either one of them. Or our parents. And it doesn't have to be someone who is older, anything could happen to anyone...anytime.
Not only did this impact me in regards to my own family and our losses, but of course.....hello I'm a social worker.....I started thinking about the kids that I work with and counsel. The children who are adopted at age 3, 4, 5 and even older. If my little boy at age 4 understands and can emotionally tap into the grief of losing a loved one, what have some of these other kids gone through? Wow.
And this has also got my brain spinning about euthanasia as well.......but that's going to have to be another post for another day. I can only handle so much processing at once :-)
And after that depressing post, I need to go call my mom to see how my kiddos are doing. :-)
Monday, August 22, 2011
Best Interests
"It's in the best interest of the child". "We're making this decision based on the best interest of the child".
These are phrases that I have heard often in the 15 years I've been working in the child welfare field. My question is: How do WE know what the best interest of the child is? I would imagine that in 10 years when the child can ask their own questions and can inquire as to why certain decisions were made on their behalf, they might have a different opinion.
Lately I have been confronted with several opportunities to really contemplate this very issue.
I am now "tweeting" for my agency and following several reliable adoption resources and some not so reliable resources, to keep informed about various adoption related issues, media happenings and what other agencies are doing service-wise. Last week I learned that the director of the Evan B. Donaldson Adoption Institute was going to be on the Today show and Dateline NBC regarding a child custody/adoption case.
So I taped both shows and as I told Jimm why I was taping the shows I could physically see him get ready for my usual rants and raves about adoption law, rights, responsibilities, best interest of the child monologues that I usually put forth when anything adoption-related is talked about in the media.
While watching the show and hearing the facts of the case I could feel myself starting to become enraged at the blatant unethical practices of a Utah adoption facility, the birthmother and her family and the adoptive couple of keeping a biological father in the dark about the adoption of his daughter. The case is a couple of years old now, but the father has been fighting for his daughter since he learned of the situation and he has taken the case all the way to the Utah Supreme Court. Unfortunately he has been denied his RIGHTS as the baby's father and she does not know him. There's a lot more to the story and you can view the video on Dateline's website if you so desire :-)
Here is where I am torn. This little girl has been living with the only family she has known since she was just a few days old (her adoptive family). And I can't imagine one of my kids being torn away from me after raising them for as long as I have. The attachment issues would be enormous and the psychological damage would be huge.
But there's another side to this. Is her adoptive family comfortable in telling her 10 years from now that they DENIED her the right to know HER father? It's all over the media. Archived articles, videos, television interviews, custody papers, court documents are ready to be viewed at any time. She is going to find out how much her father wanted her. And how are they going to explain that to her?
When we talk about best interest of a baby or a child who can't make a decision for themself, I think we need to ask ourselves how we are going to inform them about this later in life and what the repercussions are going to be.
I am currently working with a teenage boy who was adopted from Russia when he was an infant. His parents came in for a consultation before I spoke with him and they informed me during our session that they received information during the adoption process that he has a biological sister and brother. And that they have never told their son. WHA?????????????????????? He is 15 years old! So, upon me immediately stating that they needed to tell him, that it is his right to that information they decided to tell him in our first session. Do you know what his first words were "And you were selfish enough not to tell me that?". WOW.
When we talk about "best interest", I think we not only need to think about the current impact but also the ripple effect and how our decisions are going to affect the future of that child. What do you want your relationship with your child to look like 10 years from now? 15 years from now?
This not only goes for adoptions, but also for how we are raising our biological children. We need to be careful about making quick decisions to keep secrets from our children. Or to "pick and choose" what information they need to know. Granted, we need to do this at age-appropriate developmental levels :-) I don't think my 4 year old is going to understand that his great grandmother is experiencing dementia. He would probably look at me and say "what's dementia"? And then he would turn around and go back to watching Phineas and Ferb. But if I keep talking to him about it and spoon feed him a little information at a time he will eventually get that GG is getting older and isn't the same as she was when she still lived at her house.
I think sometimes us adults forget how smart we were as kids and we don't give our kids enough credit.
Remember to think about what you say to your kids, how you say it and what their reaction is going to be 15 years down the road. Are you comfortable with what you just said? Are you comfortable with your actions? Are you going to be able to look your child in the eye and say....but we did it in your best interest?
Being a parent is a huge responsibility. Being an adoptive parent has added pressures and responsibilities. I just hope and pray that this adoptive family who is parenting baby Emma figures out how they are going to tell her about this whole situation.....because she's going to find out one way or another that there was a father who desperately wanted to raise her and he was denied that right.
These are phrases that I have heard often in the 15 years I've been working in the child welfare field. My question is: How do WE know what the best interest of the child is? I would imagine that in 10 years when the child can ask their own questions and can inquire as to why certain decisions were made on their behalf, they might have a different opinion.
Lately I have been confronted with several opportunities to really contemplate this very issue.
I am now "tweeting" for my agency and following several reliable adoption resources and some not so reliable resources, to keep informed about various adoption related issues, media happenings and what other agencies are doing service-wise. Last week I learned that the director of the Evan B. Donaldson Adoption Institute was going to be on the Today show and Dateline NBC regarding a child custody/adoption case.
So I taped both shows and as I told Jimm why I was taping the shows I could physically see him get ready for my usual rants and raves about adoption law, rights, responsibilities, best interest of the child monologues that I usually put forth when anything adoption-related is talked about in the media.
While watching the show and hearing the facts of the case I could feel myself starting to become enraged at the blatant unethical practices of a Utah adoption facility, the birthmother and her family and the adoptive couple of keeping a biological father in the dark about the adoption of his daughter. The case is a couple of years old now, but the father has been fighting for his daughter since he learned of the situation and he has taken the case all the way to the Utah Supreme Court. Unfortunately he has been denied his RIGHTS as the baby's father and she does not know him. There's a lot more to the story and you can view the video on Dateline's website if you so desire :-)
Here is where I am torn. This little girl has been living with the only family she has known since she was just a few days old (her adoptive family). And I can't imagine one of my kids being torn away from me after raising them for as long as I have. The attachment issues would be enormous and the psychological damage would be huge.
But there's another side to this. Is her adoptive family comfortable in telling her 10 years from now that they DENIED her the right to know HER father? It's all over the media. Archived articles, videos, television interviews, custody papers, court documents are ready to be viewed at any time. She is going to find out how much her father wanted her. And how are they going to explain that to her?
When we talk about best interest of a baby or a child who can't make a decision for themself, I think we need to ask ourselves how we are going to inform them about this later in life and what the repercussions are going to be.
I am currently working with a teenage boy who was adopted from Russia when he was an infant. His parents came in for a consultation before I spoke with him and they informed me during our session that they received information during the adoption process that he has a biological sister and brother. And that they have never told their son. WHA?????????????????????? He is 15 years old! So, upon me immediately stating that they needed to tell him, that it is his right to that information they decided to tell him in our first session. Do you know what his first words were "And you were selfish enough not to tell me that?". WOW.
When we talk about "best interest", I think we not only need to think about the current impact but also the ripple effect and how our decisions are going to affect the future of that child. What do you want your relationship with your child to look like 10 years from now? 15 years from now?
This not only goes for adoptions, but also for how we are raising our biological children. We need to be careful about making quick decisions to keep secrets from our children. Or to "pick and choose" what information they need to know. Granted, we need to do this at age-appropriate developmental levels :-) I don't think my 4 year old is going to understand that his great grandmother is experiencing dementia. He would probably look at me and say "what's dementia"? And then he would turn around and go back to watching Phineas and Ferb. But if I keep talking to him about it and spoon feed him a little information at a time he will eventually get that GG is getting older and isn't the same as she was when she still lived at her house.
I think sometimes us adults forget how smart we were as kids and we don't give our kids enough credit.
Remember to think about what you say to your kids, how you say it and what their reaction is going to be 15 years down the road. Are you comfortable with what you just said? Are you comfortable with your actions? Are you going to be able to look your child in the eye and say....but we did it in your best interest?
Being a parent is a huge responsibility. Being an adoptive parent has added pressures and responsibilities. I just hope and pray that this adoptive family who is parenting baby Emma figures out how they are going to tell her about this whole situation.....because she's going to find out one way or another that there was a father who desperately wanted to raise her and he was denied that right.
Monday, August 15, 2011
Burden, Baggage and Responsibility
As a social worker and a Christian, I often confuse helping and assisting someone with trying to fix their lives.
The message at church yesterday hit home with me as it did several of my friends. We realized that we are taking on more burdens and baggage than we should be. Overextending ourselves to the point of just being plain burned out.
God wants us to be there for others. He wants us to support others with their burdens. He wants us to assist those that need assistance. But there has to be limits. We can't take on too much, otherwise we have nothing left to give.
It's not easy to say no. It's not easy to say that you're too busy. I'm in the "helping profession" because God gave me the skills and talents to empathize, listen and care for others. So when someone asks me for help I usually say yes. When someone asks me to plan an event, I usually say yes. But yes isn't always the right answer.
I don't like feeling burned out. I've been there many times in my life and usually my body lets me know when enough is enough. I physically shut down by becoming ill or weak.
It's all about balance.
Just as you shouldn't take on more than you can handle, you also shouldn't just automatically say no to everything. To be idle is not good. To have faith without works is not good.
Our pastor gave the following example: If a friend called to ask for your help as they were stranded on the side of the road, you would go to help them. They might ask you to take the kids home or to take them to school. No problem. But then they take it a step or several steps further...could you take them out to lunch? Could you take them to soccer practice at 4pm? Could you fix them a home cooked meal and tuck them into bed? And if they act up can you discipline them? Little Johnny is potty training and sometimes has accidents, can you clean up after him and make sure he gets clean underwear on?
At some point your offer to help has become something completely different.
Burden? Baggage? Responsibility?
Balance.
The message at church yesterday hit home with me as it did several of my friends. We realized that we are taking on more burdens and baggage than we should be. Overextending ourselves to the point of just being plain burned out.
God wants us to be there for others. He wants us to support others with their burdens. He wants us to assist those that need assistance. But there has to be limits. We can't take on too much, otherwise we have nothing left to give.
It's not easy to say no. It's not easy to say that you're too busy. I'm in the "helping profession" because God gave me the skills and talents to empathize, listen and care for others. So when someone asks me for help I usually say yes. When someone asks me to plan an event, I usually say yes. But yes isn't always the right answer.
I don't like feeling burned out. I've been there many times in my life and usually my body lets me know when enough is enough. I physically shut down by becoming ill or weak.
It's all about balance.
Just as you shouldn't take on more than you can handle, you also shouldn't just automatically say no to everything. To be idle is not good. To have faith without works is not good.
Our pastor gave the following example: If a friend called to ask for your help as they were stranded on the side of the road, you would go to help them. They might ask you to take the kids home or to take them to school. No problem. But then they take it a step or several steps further...could you take them out to lunch? Could you take them to soccer practice at 4pm? Could you fix them a home cooked meal and tuck them into bed? And if they act up can you discipline them? Little Johnny is potty training and sometimes has accidents, can you clean up after him and make sure he gets clean underwear on?
At some point your offer to help has become something completely different.
Burden? Baggage? Responsibility?
Balance.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)