Best Interests

"It's in the best interest of the child".  "We're making this decision based on the best interest of the child".

These are phrases that I have heard often in the 15 years I've been working in the child welfare field.  My question is: How do WE know what the best interest of the child is?  I would imagine that in 10 years when the child can ask their own questions and can inquire as to why certain decisions were made on their behalf, they might have a different opinion. 

Lately I have been confronted with several opportunities to really contemplate this very issue. 

I am now "tweeting" for my agency and following several reliable adoption resources and some not so reliable resources, to keep informed about various adoption related issues, media happenings and what other agencies are doing service-wise.  Last week I learned that the director of the Evan B. Donaldson Adoption Institute was going to be on the Today show and Dateline NBC regarding a child custody/adoption case.

So I taped both shows and as I told Jimm why I was taping the shows I could physically see him get ready for my usual rants and raves about adoption law, rights, responsibilities, best interest of the child monologues that I usually put forth when anything adoption-related is talked about in the media. 

While watching the show and hearing the facts of the case I could feel myself starting to become enraged at the blatant unethical practices of a Utah adoption facility, the birthmother and her family and the adoptive couple of keeping a biological father in the dark about the adoption of his daughter.  The case is a couple of years old now, but the father has been fighting for his daughter since he learned of the situation and he has taken the case all the way to the Utah Supreme Court.  Unfortunately he has been denied his RIGHTS as the baby's father and she does not know him.  There's a lot more to the story and you can view the video on Dateline's website if you so desire :-)

Here is where I am torn.  This little girl has been living with the only family she has known since she was just a few days old (her adoptive family).  And I can't imagine one of my kids being torn away from me after raising them for as long as I have.  The attachment issues would be enormous and the psychological damage would be huge. 

But there's another side to this.  Is her adoptive family comfortable in telling her 10 years from now that they DENIED her the right to know HER father?  It's all over the media.  Archived articles, videos, television interviews, custody papers, court documents are ready to be viewed at any time.  She is going to find out how much her father wanted her.  And how are they going to explain that to her?

When we talk about best interest of a baby or a child who can't make a decision for themself, I think we need to ask ourselves how we are going to inform them about this later in life and what the repercussions are going to be.

I am currently working with a teenage boy who was adopted from Russia when he was an infant.  His parents came in for a consultation before I spoke with him and they informed me during our session that they received information during the adoption process that he has a biological sister and brother.  And that they have never told their son.  WHA??????????????????????  He is 15 years old!  So, upon me immediately stating that they needed to tell him, that it is his right to that information they decided to tell him in our first session.  Do you know what his first words were "And you were selfish enough not to tell me that?".  WOW.

When we talk about "best interest", I think we not only need to think about the current impact but also the ripple effect and how our decisions are going to affect the future of that child.  What do you want your relationship with your child to look like 10 years from now? 15 years from now?

This not only goes for adoptions, but also for how we are raising our biological children.  We need to be careful about making quick decisions to keep secrets from our children.  Or to "pick and choose" what information they need to know.  Granted, we need to do this at age-appropriate developmental levels :-) I don't think my 4 year old is going to understand that his great grandmother is experiencing dementia.  He would probably look at me and say "what's dementia"? And then he would turn around and go back to watching Phineas and Ferb.  But if I keep talking to him about it and spoon feed him a little information at a time he will eventually get that GG is getting older and isn't the same as she was when she still lived at her house. 

I think sometimes us adults forget how smart we were as kids and we don't give our kids enough credit.

Remember to think about what you say to your kids, how you say it and what their reaction is going to be 15 years down the road.  Are you comfortable with what you just said?  Are you comfortable with your actions? Are you going to be able to look your child in the eye and say....but we did it in your best interest?

Being a parent is a huge responsibility.  Being an adoptive parent has added pressures and responsibilities.  I just hope and pray that this adoptive family who is parenting baby Emma figures out how they are going to tell her about this whole situation.....because she's going to find out one way or another that there was a father who desperately wanted to raise her and he was denied that right.